An Update

It has been forever since I have written, I do realize that. But this post isn't to try and catch everyone up on the past year. It's more recent than that. I will be 20 weeks pregnant tomorrow. Yesterday (Monday, August 25), I posted on Facebook saying we had been having a tough day so I felt it prudent to explain. Matt and I went to the doctor to get an ultrasound to find out the gender of the baby we are expecting. We were beyond thrilled and filled with anticipation. The ultrasound tech started the exam and did her thing getting picture of different parts of the anatomy. She told us that the baby was curled so at that exact moment she couldn't see well enough to determine the gender. She had me lay on my side while she went and showed the doctor over ultrasound the images and to confer with her. I wasn't concerned in the least. The tech came back with the doctor and then the doctor dropped the bomb.

Our sweet baby has severe and fatal abnormalities most likely due to a chromosomal issue that occurred practically at conception. (We will know more for sure after we get the results of the amniocentesis) The frontal lobe of the brain didn't develop correctly and there is fluid in the back of the brain. The heart is enlarged and is surrounded by fluid. The bottom of the spinal column didn't develop correctly. The size of the baby is measuring small by a month. And the baby doesn't have kidneys or a bladder.

We don't know if the baby will make it to full term, but even if it does, it won't live more than a few days. For us, the last thing that mattered as we were being told this horrifying news was the reason we had been so excited to have the ultrasound in the first place.

I'm in shock and mourning. I never thought I would be in this position. I plan to continue with the pregnancy and allow this perfect spirit to grow inside me for as long as Heavenly Father allows it. It's heartbreaking knowing that I won't get to bring my baby home from the hospital and may never even get to hold them while they are still breathing. But I do feel strongly that one day I will see this baby again.

As we left our appointment yesterday I told Matt that the day before I had been reading the lesson for Sunday School next week in preparation. The lesson is about Job. The verse that keeps coming to my mind is found in the first chapter, verse 21: "And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."

We are so grateful for the outpouring of love and support we have received. Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers. I know that many out there have experienced this kind of loss an mourning and I hope you know that we love you and know that the Lord loves you.

So as of now I have moments when I'm okay and others when I am not. So if I'm not particularly perky when I see you, please understand that it's not you, I'm just dealing with this situation the best I know how, but please know that I love and care for all of you and am grateful for you.