God's Surrogate

After writing last I received an incredible outpouring of love, support, and prayers. I can't express how grateful I am for such amazing family and friends who are standing by us at this difficult time. So to all of you who are thinking of us and praying for us I say, "Thank you!" I also decided that I want to be better at keeping up with the blog. It's cathartic for me and I think as our situation progresses it will help to be able to look back on this time and see the many miracles that occur. It also seems that there are many out there who want to be kept up to date on what happens.

As I have been thinking about this almost constantly, I've had many thoughts that have brought me comfort and a measure of understanding. Many of which are the little things that I won't get to experience this time around. When we got pregnant with Will and then found out we were having a boy I was able to plan and prepare. I got to buy the little clothes. I got to plan and execute a nursery. And one of the biggest little things that I'm sad I'll miss out on is getting to celebrate with family and friends at a baby shower. I got to share in the excitement with my wonderful family and dearest friends. And I know I will be attending many showers between now and my due date to celebrate others' miracles. And I don't at all begrudge them the joy and excitement. On the contrary, I'm far more aware now than ever before of how worth celebrating every miracle (baby) is. I look forward to being there for others and sharing in their joy. But I know as this baby grows within me and I continue to go through this pregnancy I won't get to have a celebration. There will be no tiny baby clothes being carefully folded and put away. And designing a nursery won't be necessary.

There are other times when I'm not feeling sorry for myself like that though. As a woman, I have the unique and sacred ability to partner with God in creating a life. He provides one of his precious spirits and I provide an environment in which that spirit can get a little body. Normally we get to then partner with our spouses in creating an environment where that perfect little baby can grow, learn, be taken care of, and be cherished. We get the incredible blessing and responsibility of taking stewardship over one that's not truly ours. Ultimately, God is the Father of us all, He just lets us share with Him in the joy of being parents.That led me to thinking of the fact that right now I'm acting as a surrogate for God. Usually when we act as a surrogate for him we get to keep the baby for a while. But for me, I know that's not the case. At some point God is going to call His baby back home to Him. This knowledge doesn't make the loss any easier. My heart still aches for the baby I won't get to cuddle and show the world to. But it does help me know that I'm doing the right thing for the baby. I want as much time with this precious spirit as possible, though I know it won't be much. But I want to feel confident in the fact that once I see my baby again, they will know how much I wanted them to live and to be mine even though I wouldn't get to keep them in this life. They will know how much I truly love them.